Emerald Energies - A Delightful Spiritual Retreat

Letting Go
Kypris

August 10th, 2006

In relationship, when is it time to go and when is it time to stay? How do you decide if it is finally time to end the commitments between you and your lover and say enough? How do you know if it’s healthy to stay friends after or whether you need a complete break? How do you move forward, if what the relationship truly needs is to transition to some new agreement?

Everyone you talk to will give you different answers to these questions. Some will try to be supportive and help you to find your own truth, and these are the guides that have helped me the most. In my own experience, and in talking with my friends and clients, I find that sometimes, despite all external evidence, it is still time to stay. Other times, there is complete clarity that the time to leave has come.

I’ve just broken up with someone I’ve been in relationship with, off and on, for 25 years. Because we’ve been in relationship for so long, and because fate has thrown us on the same course again and again, I assumed that we were destined for each other. With that assumption in my heart I worked very very hard to make the relationship work, despite so many signs (including a reading from my astrologer!) pointing toward a time for change. These signs were deeply painful for me, because for most of my adult life I’ve held the vision of a “happily ever after” life with this man.

So what happened? Now that we’re finally free to be in relationship, shouldn’t we be living happily ever after? With so much positive history and so many years of friendship behind us, why did the intimate part of our relationship fail?

I don’t know.

What I do know is that one day, a few weeks ago, I had utter clarity that it was time for the relationship to change, that I could no longer allow it to continue the way it was, that it was simply not working for me anymore. But in truth, I don’t even know if the relationship really has failed, or if it simply is undergoing a major remodel. What I do know for sure is that for many years this man has stood in the place of my father in my heart, and I’m pretty certain that is not the healthiest way to choose an intimate partner. He has been my protector, my champion, my shoulder to cry on, and my personal massage therapist, and he has done a much better job at this than my biological father was ever able to accomplish. I have grown very dependent on him and his support, and doing without it right now is like giving up a drug. I am working daily at releasing my longtime dependency on this man for comfort, and learning, perhaps for the first time in my life, to comfort and care for myself. My father is long dead, and now, at 43, I am learning to be my own protector, my own comforter. It is lonely and exhilarating at the same time. Sometimes I am so frightened that I can hardly leave the house, in fear that I won’t be able to keep myself safe. I don’t sleep well at night, and when I do, I sleep very little. I have mood swings, and my physical health swings as well. Other times I feel so powerful that it seems the world is barely large enough to hold me, and I start to feel the largest sense of joy and freedom I’ve felt in a long time, because I am centering in myself, and in my power.

As I look into myself during this transition time, I am finally realizing that my part in this relationship has not been truly tantric. As a tantrika, and a polyamorous woman, my growing requirement for all my relationships is that I be in the moment, be true to myself, and feel good about the moments that I’m sharing with another, on the whole. That good feeling in this relationship had been slowly dying, because I wasn’t being true to myself. I was giving up my power to this man, rather than standing in it, true and straight, and accepting nothing less than equal energy exchange. Because I placed him in the position of my father, I took on a role where I was always receiving, but never really allowing myself to give, for fear of being rejected.

In the midst of all this there is also a beautiful part that I often forget, a part I am trying with all my might to hold onto. I now have the freedom to do whatever I want in the time I used to spend with my former lover. I have the relief of no longer having to make something work that wasn’t working. I have the joy and openness to new possibility, of anticipating what may come to fill the space that’s been created. I possess the utter rapture of being totally in the moment, and feeling that despite the pain, my life works. And I embrace the serenity of not having this nagging piece of the puzzle that doesn’t fit.

Change is inevitable, in life and in relationship. Over time, some relationships will end, some will grow, and others will change beyond all recognition. For me, the endings have always been especially hard because I grew up with too many endings as close family members left or died. As a grown-up, the little girl inside me still feels terror and grief when someone goes out of my life. So the most important thing I do for myself when there is an ending is to pamper myself. To do whatever I want as much as I’m able. Obviously I still have to work and take care of my son and tend to basic needs, but I let go of everything that’s not essential in times like these. That may mean that I stay in bed all morning reading a novel, or that I take myself off to the beach, or spend all day playing in the dirt in my garden. These things are important to feeling good about myself during the transition. My dear friend Katie recently channeled a message from her spirit guides about living in times of transition, and as I understand it the message is this: don’t try to hold on to the things that are leaving your life for stability. Hold on instead to your passion, to the things that you love to do, whether it be surfing, rock climbing, reading, or sewing. Get passionate about these things. Get passionate about your life. Your passion depends on nothing and no one else but you. Live it, breathe it, feel it. Let it fill you until you are in bliss and pleasure, which is a divine and tantric state. Bliss is the goal. Happiness is the goal. And from these things, love will come.

Namaste, Kyrpis

Shamanic tantra is a spiritual journey into a passionate creative life that includes a full and rich sexual connection to God. Initiated on this path by a powerful shamanic healer, Kypris has journeyed in search of spiritual wisdom, beauty, and the open heart through many places on Mother Earth: walking the witch-hunting hills of Salem, MA; bathing in the healing waters of Tahiti and Hawaii, and making love to the austere deserts of Sedona and Anza-Borrego. With the roots of her spiritual practice in Wicca, Kypris was led to tantra through visions of Aphrodite and Shiva, and transformed through solo practice of ritual, energy channeling, bellydance, and yoga. Led to her tantric partner by a powerful shamanic dream, Kypris practices tantra today in tandem, and works as a spiritual coach, healer, and teacher. Kypris holds a master's degree in Molecular Biology and Biochemistry, as well as a master's degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of the forthcoming Journey to Sexual Wholeness, The Six Gateways to Tantric Sexuality.