Intimacy vs. Enmeshment
Kypris
July 18th, 2006
How deep is too deep to delve into another person’s emotions? How close is too close? What is true intimacy? What is healthy and what is not? What is in my best and highest good when it comes to intimacy?
I used to think that healthy intimacy meant that you balanced time together with time apart, and that if I was doing that, I was in really good shape. I prided myself on the “health” of my second marriage because we both spent a good amount of time apart with friends and doing activities that we loved. But the problem was that when we were together, we were too close. We were too much in each other’s business, spent far too much time in conversation telling the other person what they should or shouldn’t do. Slowly I came to an awareness that this behavior wasn’t healthy, and that I was really unsure about how to co-create healthy intimacy in a romantic relationship.
With one of my lovers creating a feeling of safety and intimacy has become a chronic challenge for me. He is very guarded in the things that he shares with me, and I often feel shut out and pushed away, as if I am being denied a closeness that I could have with him if he just allowed me inside his inner gates. But I don’t know how healthy my desire for that is. I want him to share with me more than he does, to hear what is bothering him, and to have him listen to the things that are on my mind. It seems to me that I am almost always the one doing the deep sharing, that he almost never feels comfortable baring his soul to me, but is that healthy and sane, or is he avoiding a true intimate connection with me? The scary part is that I can’t tell.
So I called a friend of mine, and we talked for a while. Not directly about this issue, but about something we both share—a desire to be met in relationship and the deep longing we both carry for that meeting, as well as a deep knowing that we must first be really comfortable in our own company and in our own souls. And suddenly I realized I was feeling a deep resonance with this person on the phone, a resonance that felt like a healthy intimacy—not that we were sharing a lot of details about everything that was going on in our lives, but we were sharing the meaning behind the content, the feelings, the longings, the desires, the struggles. I think that is what creates true intimacy—the willingness to share those things.
You see, I think there is a trap in our culture, or at least in the way I was raised, that to be truly intimate you must tell someone everything about your life, that every speck and every detail of every last thing must be shared or you are holding out, holding back, pushing away. I think the truth is that there is a balance. And I realize the distance I am feeling from my lover is not just because he is not sharing details, but because he’s not sharing feelings. So what to do in relationship, when your partner clams up about feelings? When you can sense there is something bothering them (or they tell you something is bothering them) but they don’t share more than just that tiny scrap of information?
Mostly, you do nothing.
True intimacy involves not only the sharing, but the willingness to give the other person space when they need it, to not share if they aren’t ready. To accept exactly where they are in their process and just love them. If, like me, this need for emotional space triggers your own insecurities, then you might want to tell your partner just that. You might say something like, “It seems like you’re really going through something right now and I feel (sad/angry/frightened/etc.) that you won’t share it with me. I am here to listen if you decide you want to share.” And then walk away. If you need to physically leave, then do so, with love, letting them know that you will be back, that you are leaving because you need to take care of yourself. Because the truth is that you can’t change another person. You can’t make them share, or act a certain way so they feel safe enough to talk. You can’t change another person. All you can do is provide a container of unconditional love and acceptance for them to fall into. You can express your own feelings, but that is all.
This is a tough practice for me, because I am so inclined to do something to make someone feel better when they are sad or in pain. But I have realized lately that it’s not my job to help someone who hasn’t asked for my help. In fact, it’s the opposite of helpful to force my help on someone who wants to be left alone. Perhaps it is part of their journey to develop the strength to handle things without help, and my interfering doesn’t allow them to develop that strength, but keeps them weak. Is that really what I want?
No. What I want for myself and for everyone is what is in our best and highest good. I want us all to develop the ability to dive into our souls and find the pearls that live there in the deep. To bring those pearls back up and fashion beautiful ornaments for ourselves from them, that we can wear proudly as badges of courage and testaments to our courage at swimming in the stormy seas of our souls.
Namaste, Kyrpis
Shamanic tantra is a spiritual journey into a passionate creative life that includes a full and rich sexual connection to God. Initiated on this path by a powerful shamanic healer, Kypris has journeyed in search of spiritual wisdom, beauty, and the open heart through many places on Mother Earth: walking the witch-hunting hills of Salem, MA; bathing in the healing waters of Tahiti and Hawaii, and making love to the austere deserts of Sedona and Anza-Borrego. With the roots of her spiritual practice in Wicca, Kypris was led to tantra through visions of Aphrodite and Shiva, and transformed through solo practice of ritual, energy channeling, bellydance, and yoga. Led to her tantric partner by a powerful shamanic dream, Kypris practices tantra today in tandem, and works as a spiritual coach, healer, and teacher. Kypris holds a master's degree in Molecular Biology and Biochemistry, as well as a master's degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of the forthcoming Journey to Sexual Wholeness, The Six Gateways to Tantric Sexuality.
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