Knee-Deep in Needs
Kypris
June 22nd, 2006
Sometimes I find myself passionately wanting things from my lovers that they are not willing to give me. I find myself wanting more connection, more love, more time from one, more sweet words of love from another. I want to hear that I am the perfect love to end all loves. I want to be held and snuggled and protected through the night. I want to wake in the morning and be greeted by loving eyes meeting mine and passionate kisses and lovemaking. I want my son and my lovers to get along. I want everything! I want all my needs to be met by the men in my life, to be pampered, cosseted, and cared for.
But the universe doesn’t work that way for me.
So what is the best thing for me to do when I am in this state, with so many huge emotional needs that aren’t being met? What do I do when I am knee-deep in needs?
For a long time now, I’ve been playing with the idea that the more I take care of my own needs, the less I will rely on others to meet those needs. The trouble is that this seems like a very lonely place to be. All my life, my great lesson has been about loneliness, about being alone. I was an only child, born to two very young, very busy parents. I spent a lot of time alone, prepared my own meals, walked myself to and from school, did my homework on my own, and entertained myself. Recently I took a shamanic journey to recover lost parts of myself and I realized what a deep wounding this constant aloneness as a child was for me. In my journey I descended deep into the earth, into a cave with an underground river that carried me to several chambers where hidden parts of myself awaited. The most powerful of these for me was a lost part of myself, what shamans call a soul fragment. This part of myself was something that left me because of this deep wound of aloneness. When I recovered this part of myself and took it back into me, I really understood for the first time the terror of the child I was at being left alone. It became clear to me that a profound healing was needed.
As part of the journey, I asked this part of me what she would need to stay with me this time and to heal, to not retreat to the underground, shadow part of my psyche again. I was surprised by her answer—she said that she wanted more play time. Her answer surprised me, because play is the hardest thing in the world for me. In fact, I often joke that I can make anything into work. But I think the secret for me now, for my healing, is to make work into play.
And this is a revelation. All my adult life, I have always thought that my needs, my desire to never be alone, came from others not giving me what I want. I always thought that if I found the perfect man, or the perfect life, that I would be happy and that all my needs would be met. But now this deep part of me is calling for playtime, and I’m not even sure what that means. For me, playtime has always been hobbies, things I do on my own, like sewing, gardening, reading, and dancing. But I am beginning to feel that I also need playtime with others, time to be social, to dance, to talk, to play games, to do all the things that humans do together.
See, this is the thing—in truth, I can’t meet all my own needs. We humans are social creatures, and we need each other. We need friends, family, spiritual community, social circles, women’s groups, men’s groups, social dancing, and team sports. We need each other. So getting our needs met is twofold—the first part is an acceptance that we can meet many of our needs on our own and a willingness to do this, to support ourselves emotionally, physically, and spiritually as much as possible. The second part is to ask for what we need from others, and to be willing and able to hear someone say no when we ask, to be willing to go on and ask someone else until that need gets met. In community, we can do this. In community, we have a pool of friends and supporters who are willing and able to support us and each other. I am convinced that community is a huge key to healing the loneliness and alienation that so many of us are feeling. And when we are knee-deep in needs we can’t seem to meet on our own, the community is a great place to go to ask for this support. And through this we come to a lasting healing—the healing that comes from knowing that we are well and truly loved by many many people.
There is also a hugely powerful third part to getting our needs met—the part that Spirit plays. When I can’t get my needs met by caring for myself or by asking another person, I let my connection to Spirit guide me. In fact, in many ways this is the most powerful place to turn when I feel a need. Spirit can guide me to connect with myself, to talk to a trusted friend, or to take some other miraculously healing action. I let spirit guide me by cultivating a connection to the universal creative force. Connecting to this force through prayer, meditation, and any ceremony is the practice I use to hear the voice of spirit. In fact, it’s a daily practice for me to imagine that I am connecting to the earth through a set of imaginary tree roots that grow from my tailbone, and to the sky and beyond through a set of imaginary branches that grow up into the sun or the moon. Through this meditation I feel connected to the divine masculine and feminine forces. I feel nurtured and supported and held. This is an extremely comforting practice, and in many ways is a re-parenting for me, where I imagine that the Earth is the best mother in the world, and the Sky is the most amazing father that exists.
So through caring for myself, learning to play, connecting with my community, and connecting with the universal divine, I am able to pull myself out from under being knee-deep in needs. Sometimes it is hard, especially when I am sad and feeling unloved, but I always feel better when I take these actions for myself. May you find your own path to getting your needs met.
Namaste, Kyrpis
Shamanic tantra is a spiritual journey into a passionate creative life that includes a full and rich sexual connection to God. Initiated on this path by a powerful shamanic healer, Kypris has journeyed in search of spiritual wisdom, beauty, and the open heart through many places on Mother Earth: walking the witch-hunting hills of Salem, MA; bathing in the healing waters of Tahiti and Hawaii, and making love to the austere deserts of Sedona and Anza-Borrego. With the roots of her spiritual practice in Wicca, Kypris was led to tantra through visions of Aphrodite and Shiva, and transformed through solo practice of ritual, energy channeling, bellydance, and yoga. Led to her tantric partner by a powerful shamanic dream, Kypris practices tantra today in tandem, and works as a spiritual coach, healer, and teacher. Kypris holds a master's degree in Molecular Biology and Biochemistry, as well as a master's degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of the forthcoming Journey to Sexual Wholeness, The Six Gateways to Tantric Sexuality.
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