Codependency or Attachment?
Kypris
January 5th, 2006
Over the last several years I’ve been hearing a lot about codependency in relationship and about how it’s not healthy. I even studied it while earning my MA in Counseling Psychology. And yet I never really thought my own behavior was codependent. Not until recently.
Codependency usually (but not always) results from growing up in an alcoholic family. In my case, I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic for the first 13 years of my life. When I was 12, my dad stopped drinking with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). During my twenties and thirties, my father would often share insights with me from his AA group, and I remember feeling very distant from all of it, happy that he was getting help with his recovery, but certain that I certainly didn’t need that kind of help, especially since I was already working with a therapist in private sessions.
My father died about 12 years ago, and I’m in my forties now, moving through the process of my second divorce. Both marriages lasted a while (8 years and 10 years), and I was extremely unhappy in both. I never before felt a sense of ease or joy for very long in either marriage, or for that matter, in any of my long-term relationships with men. It’s only in the last year that I’ve started to experience happiness in relationship, happiness that has come from starting to ask myself—what brings joy in relationship? Is it possible to have long-term relationship joy? And if so, how?
I’m beginning to think that part of the answer lies in my old patterns of relating, and that these patterns need reprogramming—that a lot of my automatic responses to people really can be labeled ”codependent”. And yet I also have worked for the last several years to open my heart and to develop compassion and the ability to form deep healthy attachments. So how do we know the difference? Where does deep attachment cross the line into codependency?
There are some indicators that can help us decide if we are codependent or simply deeply attached. Extreme emotion about something another person is going through, that doesn’t really impact you directly, is a classic sign of codependence. For example, if your spouse is having difficulties at the office and you find yourself loathing his boss and daydreaming about shotguns, that’s probably codependence. On the other hand, if you sit and listen to your spouse, offer compassion and support, rub his shoulders, and reassure him, without being drawn into his negative emotional state, this is probably a sign that you are in healthy attachment.
A deeper wisdom about healthy attachment and love lies in our own hearts. Somewhere within us lies a deep intuition, a true knowing that we can tap into through meditation, dance, yoga, breath, art, and many other methods. It is through this deep relationship with ourselves that we can come to know whether we are healthily attached or unhealthily codependent with another person. I often meditate these days while focusing my breath into the heart—breathing into the heart and out from the heart to connect with the world that lies within there. When I take the time to tune into this heart radio, I always know the truth. Sometimes it is hard to find the station, and there may be a lot of static on certain days, but over time I am developing a clear sense of what is there. It requires work, of course. I have removed so many layers of energetic armor from my heart through various healing modalities, that I have lost track of how many layers were there. And I know that there is still more to do to reach my goal of living with a wide-open heart. Examining the codependency in my thoughts and actions is helping me to remove this armor, because it is removing a huge emotional drain from my life and allowing me to become clear—clear of heart, clear of mind, and clear of spirit. With this clarity comes a deep knowing that all is as it should be, that life is full of ups and downs, and that all I really need to be happy is to trust in the divine creative power of the universe, go with the flow, and to cultivate an ease in that practice. From ease, I’m convinced, joy will follow, because it has in the past, in other areas of my life.
In this spring time of the year, when the light is continuing to grow, I hope for all of you that the light of ease and joy begins to grow within you, and that the parts of you that are trapped in darkness can be brought to light for healing, release, and growth.
Namaste, Kyrpis
Shamanic tantra is a spiritual journey into a passionate creative life that includes a full and rich sexual connection to God. Initiated on this path by a powerful shamanic healer, Kypris has journeyed in search of spiritual wisdom, beauty, and the open heart through many places on Mother Earth: walking the witch-hunting hills of Salem, MA; bathing in the healing waters of Tahiti and Hawaii, and making love to the austere deserts of Sedona and Anza-Borrego. With the roots of her spiritual practice in Wicca, Kypris was led to tantra through visions of Aphrodite and Shiva, and transformed through solo practice of ritual, energy channeling, bellydance, and yoga. Led to her tantric partner by a powerful shamanic dream, Kypris practices tantra today in tandem, and works as a spiritual coach, healer, and teacher. Kypris holds a master's degree in Molecular Biology and Biochemistry, as well as a master's degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of the forthcoming Journey to Sexual Wholeness, The Six Gateways to Tantric Sexuality.
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