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Loneliness
Kypris
July 19th, 2005
On Saturday, I sit alone in my room, absorbed in a book, resting, relaxing…On Sunday, I sit alone in my room, cutting faux fur for a fabulous red coat, ignoring the phone when it rings, sinking deeply into the space within myself… on Monday, I sit alone in my room, sinking into sleep early, enjoying the deliciousness of the bed after a sleepless night tending a sick child…on Tuesday, I sit alone in my room and rage. Nothing is going right, I feel sharp, out of sorts, ANGRY. I feel cut off from the world, disconnected, unloved, unwanted. I RAGE. I SCREAM. I purposely try to break my phone, to make the aloneness MY choice. Why does it matter if it is my choice to be alone? Isn’t alone time the same no matter who chooses it? Why can’t I simply relax and savor it? Why is tonight different from all the nights that came before?
I can’t put my finger on it, the source of this rage. I only know that it comes from deep within me, a primal force to be reckoned with. I know that it hurts. I know that it is directed outward, somehow, at the world around me. I know that it lessens when I consciously connect to myself. I know that it helps if I can shift to a place of compassion for myself. Somehow it’s important to give myself permission to be in this state. Somehow I crave the affection and attention of self-care…the long hot bath, A bouquet of roses, a pedicure. And I crave creative outlets–writing, sewing, dancing, playing music.
I feel out of control, and then peaceful. How can these two states exist side-by-side within me? Am I truly just a psycho-bitch-high-maintenance-freaky-divorcee-needy-pathetic-woman? Or am I powerful-priestess-strong-beautiful-healthy-processing-releasing- justifiable rage-woman? Or am I both?
In the end only I can decide. And in the end, loneliness is an illusion. We are all connected to each other. We are all interdependent on each other for our physical and emotional survival. We are all (mostly) social creatures–we need each other. So the truth is, as much as I need others, they need me. It’s just that sometimes the needs are out of sync. And sometimes I just have to keep asking for what I need until I get it. The fears of rejection have got to go–it’s time to cast them aside in order to live free a fully and fearlessly. And without fear, I suspect anger will no longer survive in me. For me, anger stems from a core fear that I will not be cared for, or met, or loved, or cherished. This is a core belief I strive to change.
And perhaps this fear of not being loved is widespread. Perhaps it explains a great deal about the state of the human race. Imagine a world where we are all loved as much as we want, where we all care for each other and support each other’s emotional needs. Imagine…
Namaste, Kyrpis
Shamanic tantra is a spiritual journey into a passionate creative life that includes a full and rich sexual connection to God. Initiated on this path by a powerful shamanic healer, Kypris has journeyed in search of spiritual wisdom, beauty, and the open heart through many places on Mother Earth: walking the witch-hunting hills of Salem, MA; bathing in the healing waters of Tahiti and Hawaii, and making love to the austere deserts of Sedona and Anza-Borrego. With the roots of her spiritual practice in Wicca, Kypris was led to tantra through visions of Aphrodite and Shiva, and transformed through solo practice of ritual, energy channeling, bellydance, and yoga. Led to her tantric partner by a powerful shamanic dream, Kypris practices tantra today in tandem, and works as a spiritual coach, healer, and teacher. Kypris holds a master's degree in Molecular Biology and Biochemistry, as well as a master's degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of the forthcoming Journey to Sexual Wholeness, The Six Gateways to Tantric Sexuality.
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